Zip, zoom, rush, here, there, everywhere, nowhere. We're all in a rush, aren't we? What for, really. For ourselves? Doubtful; we're usually in a rush for someone else or something else. We're never really in a rush for ourselves. Why should we be? What's there to rush about when a relaxed pace is more rewarding. Yet we seem more and more content on the rushed life, the pleasing for others, at the expense of ourselves. That's gotta stop. I mean, c'mon, how long can we take this? There's no reward for all this rush, for it can all be gone in a blink. Nada, emptiness is all that remains. And then what? You're left for yourself, wanting, needing. What good is that? We need to slow down, relax, enjoy, absorb it all. Forget the rush, for there's no rush in that. Seize the pause, get on-board with the slow, kick out the madness of quick. What are you going to miss? Nothing, because you'll see more and you'll see it all. Nothing rushes by you, you get to absorb everything around you. Think you can't do it - you're wrong. Don't be stubborn, give it a try. What do you have to loose? Nothing, because that's what you have now - nothing but rush. Nothing of substance. Slow is good. Relaxed is bliss. Absorption is life. Life is what has been missing. 2010-03-10T20:02:37Z 10.0 481 0 2010-03-10T19:49:00Z 2010-03-10T20:02:37Z 269 How do you get smart? Is there a way just to sit down and read books and understand what you're reading, and then be able to regurgitate that into something intelligent? But, is that intelligence? When is knowing more than just knowing, when does it actually have substance? I don't know the answers to any of these questions. I don't know a lot of things. But, that doesn't mean I am not willing to learn them. I'd be happy to be put in a new place. Wouldn't it be nice to start over again, again. Yea, it would, but where's the challenge in that? 2010-03-09T23:53:47Z 1.98333 480 0 2010-03-09T23:51:00Z 2010-03-09T23:53:47Z 213 That last post was a bit intense, no? Preachy... preach... now there's something to be scared of: Religion. It's just not right, not matter how I look at it. It's fake, really, with all its pretense and righteousness. Make me sick, that this world seems to revolve around the musings of our ancients. How can we survive like this? Religion at its very core seems to thrive on pushing down the weak, the less fortunate, the different and those who don't conform. That's a lot of hate. Too much hate to bear and too much for it to go on and on. Like it has for centuries, though I hear that even history has been perverted by it, changed for the good of today. Puke, I say, and be gone with all this religious vomit. This world cannot afford your ever tightening grip, that refuses to see beyond your own corruption, your own lies, your own deceit, your own hate. What is wrong with us? Why aren't more standing up to this bullshit? Haven't we had enough? How many more must suffer? Be killed? Be humiliated? Is this what life is about? Count me out if it is... there has to be more than that. With all this hate, there is so much more to be offered in this world. It sounds hokey, but love can win out over hate. Sounds cliche, I know, but think of the consequences of the current state of affairs. Speak up, shout out, push them away, off, off I say! They have no place on this planet, their hatred offers nothing. They are content on pulling everything down into their darkness, their bleakness. Don't let them... we're stronger than that. 2010-03-09T17:43:57Z 10.0 479 0 2010-03-09T17:33:00Z 2010-03-09T17:47:08Z 269 You can't hear me. What? I said, you can't hear me. Yes I can. No you can't. But we're talking right now. How can I talk to you and not be able to hear you? I dunno. You read lips? But I don't see you. How can I read your lips if I can't see you? Well, you're not illiterate. What? You can read and write. Yes. Which is why you're typing this. Um. I guess so. I hate it. What? I hate it. You hate it. Yes, I do. I hate it. Why do you hate it? There's so much hate in it. Um. Right. You did that. I know I did. But remember, I don't exist. Um. Okay. And we're having a conversation. Uh. I guess so. So this means you're nuts. I don't even like nuts! Not that kind of nuts. Crazy. Loopy. Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo. What? Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo. That's a bad impression of a clock. I know. Right. Since when are YOU the voice of reason? WE'RE THE SAME PERSON! Then why're you raising your voice while I'm calm? Mood swings? She's not having her period, you think? I don't know. We could check.. Let's not go there. Hm. I sort of think I might be a guy. What? Why? Because my voice seems to be lower while yours is high-pitched, whiny and all things annoying. Oh shut up. Nah, we have a minute left anyway. So. So. Wanna get married and have babies? I know we're just fictionalized characters created to show a stream of consciousness that may or may not make any sense, but I think you have a lack of self-respect. And you're without a head. In fact, you have neither one of them. 2010-03-09T10:33:23Z 11.0667 478 0 2010-03-10T01:19:00Z 2010-03-09T10:41:06Z 90 Today, another journey into the unknown begins. Uncertainty, Insecurity, fear all pinching every cell of my soul. I am crying silently wondering what today holds for me. This is a brutally frustrating feeling. Wanting to do more but not knowing how, not know where to begin. My only solace is the transience of the current situation. But how long is transient! How long will I persevere! I don't want to sink into this feeling of desperation. I am too strong for it! But my bones, my patience, my strength, my will are gradually surrendering to this fierce uncertainty to which I am not willing to surrender. 2010-03-09T09:24:51Z 10.0 477 0 2010-03-09T09:13:00Z 2010-03-09T09:24:51Z 278 10:10, any better time to start my WF10 post? Got some really good feedback on my most recent thing today. The kind that can actually made it better, but also makes me feel like it is pretty good to start with. Feeling more confident that this isn't just a giant waste of my time. Should really start the next thing. (that sounds familiar from last night's post). I think that I need to go through this little phase. This next idea is kind of like my last story (in some ways) but I apparently am suck on a notion. I was trying to think about how to switch gears and mix it up, but it seems like that would be counter productive. If I am doing well and getting some shit done, why would I go and mess with that. Trying to think if it is something I can start here, or if I should try it out in the privacy of my own blank page first. I did get good things to come out last time around here. Maybe I can reproduce the effect. Okay this is REALLY distracting--my cat is half-heartedly hacking on a hairball. Okay, I didn't mean to take the alliteration that far, but really the situation completedly called for it. If there ever was a situation that called for a quadruple "h" sound this is it. Oh God, now husband is doing it too just to get my goat. Agh! And they say the life of a writer isn't hard! 2010-03-09T03:20:34Z 10.0 476 0 2010-03-09T03:10:00Z 2010-03-09T03:20:34Z 63 Incredible day outside, warm & sunny, but filled with grief. A couple was struck down nearby on the street by a truck. So sad - don't know yet if they made it or not. Crossing in the middle of a busy street... when will people learn. We seem to be such strange creatures. At times we think we're indestructible, other times so visible for all to see. Yet we're all really living in our own little world, seemingly oblivious to our surroundings or those right beside us. Why is this? Is it self absorption? Or is it fear? I don't know, yet I can be just as guilty of it. Perhaps it's a comfort level... We should change, but that will never come about. We seem to stick to our habits, unwavering and resistant to change. What are we afraid of? Newness? Something different? The unknown? We'll never know if we keep the status quo. We need to embrace the new, the different, the unique. All of it. Keeping our heads in the sand gets us nowhere... quickly. Stop being afraid and open ourselves to those around us. Ugh, that does sound almost preachy, doesn't it? I'm not trying to be preachy, just asking what if? What if we realize our surroundings and those around us just a little bit more? Perhaps we'll save ourselves or some else from imminent danger. Wouldn't that be good? 2010-03-08T22:44:56Z 10.2 475 0 2010-03-08T22:33:00Z 2010-03-08T22:44:56Z 269 I played a ton of the game Heavy Rain this weekend. It is very emotionally draining, especially because I have a child. The heavy emotions running through the game caused such an attachment to the characters that it became a very dramatic and powerful game. One other draining factor is that in many of the games endings the father ends up dying. Because I put myself in his shoes early on, this really drained on me. It's so sad to get close to rescuing your child, but still fail. The game was an amazing narrative, but emotionally draining. The storytelling was compelling, and they pulled many heartstrings. One thing that helped the narrative that few games do is to allow the characters to die permanently. Most games when you die, you get booted back to a game over screen and are urged to try again. With Heavy Rain, however, it becomes evident that it will move on no matter what your decision. This becomes a struggle when making decisions, because you know that the decision is final, and what you decide could mean the death of this character or Ethan's child. A crazy amount of responsibility is placed on the gamer, but it is so essential. The saddest ending is called 'Tears in Rain'. The ending has Madison and Ethan standing next to Shaun's grave, mourning him. Madison consoles Ethan, and tries to discuss moving on with their lives together while Ethan just mourns quietly. She professes her love for him and that she wants him to give her a child, (the only ending in which this occurs). He quietly tells her that he needs a moment alone, and that he will catch up with her. Once she begins to walk away, however, he pulls out a gun and puts it to his head. Madison cries out for Ethan as a gunshot rings out. Then the camera pulls away from his body lying on the ground, with rain pouring down on Madison weeping over him. This was the only ending that made me cry. I read a book that was talking about this concept in video games, except taking it to a new extreme. In this book, the game learned from you as well. As the gamer got better, so did it. However, this game wouldn't just get better and restart every time you did. It remained as good as it was before you restarted. So the learning arc becomes a huge uphill battle, until the game is so good, that there is no way you could win even if you were an amazing player. This concept probably will never happen due to the frustration it would cause and the contingency of needing the save data to not be deleted. I'm not sure if any company would risk the outfall from no one being able to finish, although that might become a holy grail to the few able to beat it first time around. 2010-03-08T15:30:13Z 10.0667 474 0 2010-03-08T15:19:00Z 2010-03-08T17:49:43Z 252 Sometimes, all rationality just leaves. But the scary thing is, when rationality departs, it leaves behind a sense of complete confidence that it is still there, still whispering quietly the right thing to do. So you listen to that whisper, because you don't want to do anything else wrong. And when the variables change, that flimsy thread of a whisper is all you have to cling to, the only thing you're sure of (or at least, the thing you're most sure about, even if it starts to seem less and less like the best idea). Too bad you never accounted for the fact that life is variable...the same strategy isn't effective once things change. But sometimes it's too scary or confusing to let go, so you hang on, even as it feels less and less right. You just don't want to be wrong. I'm scared. I don't want you to leave. I don't like being needy. I don't like relying on anyone but myself. I don't like being wrong. Even more, I don't like admitting I'm wrong. I don't like being vulnerable. I don't like being scared. I don't like being embarrassed. I don't like feeling unsure. I don't like feeling like someone else has more power over me than I have over myself. I don't like admitting that this is indeed sometimes the case. It's scary. Willingly handing over the scalpel, encouraging someone else to hold on to it for you, with the implicit understanding that, if they wish to use it against you...they can, and they will, and it will hurt. So you live your life, but sometimes it's hard not to be intensely aware of that blade, inches from your throat. Sometimes it's hard not to notice that it shakes sometimes. Even harder to maintain faith that, even though it's shaking a bit, it's not going to sweep down and slice you; take away a piece of your flesh, a piece of you, leaving you raw and bleeding and incomplete. But you do. Because the alternative is just as unbearable. [/Oh, the woes of the heart.] 2010-03-08T04:33:17Z 11.9167 473 0 2010-03-08T04:21:00Z 2010-03-08T04:33:17Z 240 Okay, it has been nearly a month since my last post. I have gotten a lot accomplished, but now it is time to come up with a new plan. I have ten minutes to come up with a new plan: 1.) Write everyday. Either here, or on an existing piece, in a journal or on a new piece. Yes. EVERY day. 2.) Complete at least one thing in March--yes, all the way to the END. I will finish something, be it something I start or something I have been working on or something I resurrect out of the vaults. I will have a new finished work at the end of this month. 3.) Read one book that is a "classic" and one that is a contemporary piece. Genre is not a factor. I just need to read. Don't think it is likely I will be able to be successful in this by the end of this month, so I will set my sights on the end of April for this part. 4.) Share my work. I will have others read my work, finished or not. For comments or just to get used to being exposed. Both are necessary. 5.) Revise previously finished work. Actually make changes, not just debate about which changes to make. Okay, I think that is a good start. I don't want to set myself up for failure. That's how this becomes "unfun." Need to go back and figure out what is next on my "to do" list. Should I finish the big piece or start and finish a smaller one? Having good luck with starting new things, will go with that. Need to up date my "ideas" list and then pick from that. All right--it didn't even take me ten minutes. 2010-03-08T03:29:09Z 9.05 472 0 2010-03-08T03:20:00Z 2010-03-08T03:29:09Z 63