the unmade bed, unmade for three days, your presence everywhere, painful and yet re-assuring, the disbelief I feel that you are gone, I want to see you sitting next to me, I want to wake up in the morning and find you there, did we dress you right for your big day? It was a nice top that you enjoyed wearing and a pair of black trousers that you often wore, earrings, pendant (was it the amber from St. Petersburg?) I came to see you at the funeral director’s chapel of rest, they had put your purple scarf around your neck. You looked peaceful, I kissed my fingers and with them touched your forehead. You felt cold, like marble and yet, I thought I could see you breathing. A faint smile played about your lips…I like to think that your smile is borne of a quiet and amused resolution that you are now at rest and feeling faintly sorry for those you have left behind…you smiled at the time of your death…they told us your sedation was light and you could what we were saying…so we talked to you…it was lovely talking to you…so re-assuring that you were hearing what we were doing, what the girls were doing…what the cats were doing (Norman and Ollie)…I picked up your things from Queens House today…six boxes of personal effects and a plant…a lovely ivy plant that they had been watering for you…I must get it out of the car and carry on watering it…I went shopping without you today…then I went to the Ship for a drink…then I collected fish and chips from our favourite shop and brought them home…and you were with me the whole way…I will spread your ashes four ways…our garden where we spent so much time in the evenings together…the church in the middle of the fields, where we picnicked…Woking crematorium, where your Mum, Dad and beloved brother Brice are, and of course, Herm Island…Moussoniere beach…our favourite place in all the world. I love you so much my darling…sometimes I think it is getting easier, but then I have black days…today came close to that
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