ShanghaiNights

Letting go of perfect moments is hard.

I should have let go. But, why didn’t I?

I seriously had no excuse.
Yes, I believe things that ‘’never happen’’ actaually do happen.
Yes, I celeb-crush all the time.
Yes, I shriek and gasp when I see a hot guy on TV.
Yes, I have people telling me ’you’re hopeless’ a lot.
But no, I don’t, and never have believed in long distance relationships.

It’s stupid.
There’s a point where you have nothing in common anymore.
You feel miserable when you think of the girls he must be with.
You burn with jealousy when you see couples holding hands.
You wonder if he’s missing you just as much, or not.
As I said, it’s stupid. Miserable and heart-breaking.

Eventually, the insecurities build up, the jealousy explodes, the conversations dry out, the passion dies out.
Eventually, you have to let go.

I’d reminded myself all those things before.
I’d explained the logic to people who asked if they should get into the long-distance or not.
But those who suggest we ought to start listening to our own advice more often are so very right for doing so.

I hadn’t let go.
Not when everything was still rosey.
Not when I still got butterflies in my stomach around him.
Not when he and I could talk all day and all night.

“So…what are we going to do now?”
“Uhmm, well, I’ve never really believed in long-distance”
“Hmm”
“Hey but I guess we don’t have to completely end things?”
“Yeah! Totally. I mean, we could just stay casual right?”
“Define casual”

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Rewind
we don’t have to completely end things
That’s it. That’s where it got messed up.
That’s where I chose to hold on to what I had known would slip away, but in that moment, I had forgotten everything I knew of.

And he didn’t help.

“Well casual like, we’ll stay together. But if say one of us find someone who we really like, romantically, then we let go?”
“Sounds crazy”
“Then I know it’ll work”
Damn that grin
“I guess we could give it a try. It couldn’t hurt?”

Wrong. It could hurt. It is hurting.

We’ve reached that point I think.
The point where we have nothing to talk about anymore.

“Hi”
“Hey”
“Wassup”
“Nothing Much, you?”
“same”
“k”

That’s where we’re at.
Okay well I might be making it sound a little too horrid.

But things have gotten a lot worse than it was before.

So now, I’m letting go.
When things are no longer rosey.
When talking to him no longer makes me automatically smile.
When talking to him is no longer as easy as abc.

I’m letting go.
And the worst part is, I don’t know what I’m letting go of.

They say you should either go all the way, or not go at all.
Well sad as it is, they are right.

Choosing the middle path was a bad idea.

You don’t feel special anymore, once you know he’s going to abandon you once he finds another girl.
Even when he says he can’t imagine it, I know it will.
How long does it take for someone special to walk in to your life right?
In fact, I was with him in less than a week. hah.
In my face.

We should have gone all the way.

No. We should have gone our own ways when we were at the cross-road.

But I guess better now than never.
As the 10 day countdown has finally bestowed,
I realize the need to let go and go back to my original life more with every decreasing number.
Summer was a fantasy.

But I miss life-like-it-is now.
I miss my bedroom in Shanghai.
I miss my perfectly levelled pillows and my ultra-soft Blanket.
I miss my ledge and my full length mirror.

Summer will always remain a fantasy.
But it’s enough to know I’m getting a once-a-year-doze anyway.
And the best part is, it gets better as we get older.

Life’s good in that way.
There’s always something to look forward to<3

Egos are horrid things.
They make you feel superior and great half the time.
But it’s no fun having your ego get bruised.

What happened? She was the perfect mother

Everything I loved about our relationship slowly fell apart.

It’s no longer fun when they tell me,
“Gosh you look like sisters” or
“Your mum’s so hep. She dresses just like you”

Gaah..it was fun when I was 8 years old.
It was awesome when my mum used to pick me up from school.
Amongst all those 50 year old women in Saris, she looked like a model.
27 years old. Smartly cut jeans. A strappy shirt. Sunglasses.
Short hair. Bulky Belts. Smart jewellery.

My friends were jealous.
I loved it.

I used to tell myself how cool life would be as a teenager when everyone’s parents would be ancient and mine would be ultra-cool.
But it all backfired.
I wonder all the time, what happened?

Suddenly it’s no fun knowing she’s so much younger than she should be.
It’s no fun knowing I was an accident when he was in college.
It’s no fun knowing she could have accomplished far more in life, without me.

Her being some 20 years elder to me didn’t help with anything.
She wouldn’t let me out on sleepover.
Or late night.
Or even all day.
She just knew too much. or thought she did.

That’s the problem.
Just because they drank and smoked and ‘slept around’ doesn’t mean I will.
they’re ruining my life and they don’t even know it.

Suddenly I wish my parents were ancient.

I never fought with my mum.
All throughout my toddler years, I looked up to her.
But I regret that now.

I hate how when she says no, it means no.
How we can never discuss anything.

I wish we’d talk things out more.

I wish she was as cool as people thought she was.

In front of people she’s all,
“Oh you can get a tattoo. Ofcourse, it’s your own body”

3 days later

“Mum, can I really get a tattoo?”

“no”

“Why not?”

“It’s for drug addicts”

“that’s not true at all! These girls in schoooll…”

“No, enough. Not now”

THEN WHEN?!
The right time never ever ever comes.

I never thought I’d say this.
But suddenly I hate my mum.

Those were only few of her many imperfections.
Imperfections I never saw before.

Lately, I’ve been having to let go of a lot of things.

I guess right now I need to let go of another special something.

This time it’s the image of the perfect mother I had when I was 8

“Mum! I’m going out for a move later today! Is that okay?”
“Hmm…who’s going?”
My heart skipped a beat.
“Oh uhm..haha…just a bunch of friends”
“Guys?”
“Mum! Do you even think I know any guys here? I went to an all-girls remember?”
“hmm..yeah. Just come back early. Your grandparents will have a fit otherwise”
“Yes yes I know”

Are you sure about this? You’ve known him for 72 hours. or less
My heart pounded. But the voice of reasoning had muted itself now.

“We could have walked here together you know?”
“Sigh, I know. But…Parents.. The windows are placed perfectly so that they can spy on me”
“Haha don’t worry. 3 years till you run off to UK with your cousin right? hang in there”
I melted.
How did he know me so well already? How had I told him so much in so little time? What’s with that PERFECT grin of his?How is he so optimistic? No, why was I so negative about everything? Is this really happening? Okay stop it. He’s saying something. Hmm? HE’S SAYING SOMETHING

“Oh sorry, I was uhm…thinking which seats to book?”
Did I just say that?
“Haha we’ve already decided on that remember. Back row aisle. Just how you like it?”
“Oh. Right. Yeah, just how I like it(:”

What am I doing here? Mum’s at the parlor in this same effing mall. What if she finds out? Ok stop it already, how is she going to find out anyway? You’re thinking too much! OMG It’s his hand! His palm…it’s facing upwardsss…and it’s so close to mine! Oh screw it. Just watch the movie. It’s just a movie."

I put my hands closer. Just to make sure.
My fingertips touched his wrist.
Sure enough, he moved his fingers closer to mine.

OhMyGod. Breathe

In less than 90 seconds after that, my hand was enlocked in his.
And in another 30, he was caressing my hands and we had started playing around with eachother’s fingers as if we’d been together since eternity.

I hadn’t loved any moment more than this.
I’d never held hands with anyone romantically at a movie before.
Unlike him, who’d probably had many girls come and go in his life.

Slowly he let go of my hand, and resting his elbow on the arm rest, his fingers reached my cheeks.
OhMyGod. This stupid fringe. I can’t even see him

He slowly pushed the hair locks behind my ear.
Nevermind. Love you fringe

But none of that, none of it made me feel as….jkfdkbvcjkvb as I did the moment his fingers touched my lips.
I swear I stopped breathing.
And in the nanosecond that his finger moved back to the fringe that had escaped, I breathed in all the oxygen I could.
Bad Idea. How do I let it out now?!

beep beep beep. beep beep beep*
OhScrewMyPhone.
Why can’t I ever remember to keep it on silent.

“I’m so sorry” I whispered
He let out a sort of…‘’ahah, it’s fine’’
I dove my hand into my bag, and got it out in a second.
Oh. Fuck. It’s mum

Hi Ritu, I’ll meet you after your movie okay? Call me when you’re done. Mum

I’m dead. Hell. I’m dead. Okay Okay there’s still a while before the movie ends. You have time to think

THE END

you’re kidding me right?!

“What’s wrong?”
“Oh uhm…it was my mum. I gotta call her”

“Hey mum? Can you hear me? Where are you?”
“On the 3rd floor. I’m at the escalator.”
“Okay hold on a second”

“Where are we at? Uhm…we’re exiting at the 3rd floor”

beep beep. I hung up

“I’m screwed.”
“We’ll just walk out like we don’t know eachother”
“Where do I say my friends went?!”

OkOk think. OH. FIREEXIT

“I’m so so sorry.” I pointed towards the fire exit

“HI Ma. Movie was great!”
“Good. Where are your friends?”
“Oh they had to leave early. School tomorrow. Their car came”
“Oh that’s fine. I wanted to meet them though”

No. You didn’t.

I’m a little bit hurt right now.

Okay, not a little bit.

People who meant so much to me have left me alone.
Not that it was their fault…
time just does that to us.

His text is left unreplied to.
It’s only a ‘hey’.
But it says so much more.
It overwhelms me.

I think I’ll leave it unreplied.
I’ll find an excuse later.
Tell him I was studying
-—-

My best friend left.
She left.

For everyone else, life is as it usually is.
For me, it’s changed.

We’re no longer the ‘3 musketeers’
She left us wounded.

He’s been there for me.

He asks me if I’m okay.

He cares that she left.

Of course he would.
He gets us.

He doesn’t just hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay.
He makes it okay.

He makes me laugh by cracking one of those lame jokes.

He makes me listen to all his Christian songs, telling me how awesome they are and all.

He makes it okay. Period.

Other people help too.

But I realize, there are few people who know her just as well as me and vice versa.

He’s one the few who knows us both just as well.
He’s our 3rd musketeer =)

I’ll miss her.
But she’ll be there with us.

We’ll talk about her everyday
We’ll make her a part of our lives.

Actually no, she already is a part of our lives.
We’ll KEEP her a part of our lives.

Next, I’m hurt by you all.

I thought over her at writeforten, we read each other’s works.

I’ve always felt that I had this website when I needed it.

You all are a part of this website you know?

It hurt to see the next two posts marker private.

Not that I’m not willing to understand…
but I need someone to explain.

Maybe I just don’t get it.

Lastly, I’m hurt by him.

A different ‘him’

I wouldn’t say I’m hurt.

But he just makes my life….complicated.
More than it already is.

I ignore him.
I don’t really know why.

But I just feel the need to let him know he’s not as important to me as he might think.

Ignoring him wasn’t as hard.
Not with the very many other things to worry about.

I think I’ll let it be that way.
No need to create nice memories when it leads to nowhere.

Then again,
‘Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all’
(Need you now, lady antebellum)

Oh god, I’m using APA.

That reminds me,
I should go back to studying.

Ahem.
Warning.
Abrupt Ending Approaching.

…3
…2
…1

ABRUPT ENDING

I don’t understand you people some times.

You’re all such amazing writers.
Your creativity is mind blowing.
When I read your work, I enter a whole new world.

Don’t hide your work.
-protected post
-protected post
-protected post

Why?
Share with us.
We’re all here to read.

I know we all need our privacy
I’d get it if there was a rare ‘protected post’ popping up every now and then…

But now…

I know all your posts are great
I don’t need to read them to tell you that

But I wish…
I wish I could be a part of it

My english teacher says that a piece of literature is created by the author and the reader.

If any of the two are missing, the work is incomplete.

And in his mind, both are of equal importance.

It’s true isn’t it?
All your work, what does it mean?

What if this whole website gets deleted…
What if it just adds on to cyber trash

What then?
If it truly is important to you..
If it really means so much to you that you cannot let anyone else see, then why not keep it in a diary?
Or somewhere where you couldn’t possibly lose it from.

You might argue, “I’m just babbling.
It isn’t important.”

How do you know?
The 20 year older you might not think so.

Honestly, you don’t know.

Give it a thought.

Share with us.

If it isn’t important to you, show us.

It might change one of our days.

If it is important to you, keep it.
Cherish it.

Signing off to Just Another…
Shanghai Night