amd_360

here on a friday night, its 8:01 and i am ready to go home but i am waiting for some guys that are in the chat, but anywho, the reason why i come is because i dont know why but slowly i am beginning to accept the fact that susumi is just not for me, and nothing is going to change it, it all started when she told me " respect thy girlfriend", at that time everything begun to fall back, my interest on her began to become less and less, and then after seeing what she wrote on her facebook wall, it made realize that she is happy and that i have no place in her life, even though with every inch of my soul i want to be with her. And today or yesterday a few thought pass through my head, and they were saying that if susumi was happy then i should be happy for her, and that i dont want to be those losers that still think that they have a shot with her, that after everything i did, she would still want me, after all, remember the words that she said, that her boyfriend was the one that never lied her or did anything to upset her, and yet i did, so that guilt is still over my hear. U know! i know that i should happy with july, in a way i am , but more and more i am discoverying that i dont love her, i mean, i want to be with her, but that is different, like i had told many people, she is great as a girlfriend, but as a person i dont like her,we are very different, and if it wasnt for the fact at that she looked me up, then i wouldnt have payed attention to her. also i see that she has alot of potential, potential to reach places, but i dont see my self with her, or at least while being with her,u know,and those are the times that either i think about being alone or being with susumi, whom time and time again, i dont see nothing wrong with, i know that she is my love, but at the same times, something i wonder how well susumi and me would work as a couple, after all july is the one that , ….. wait, one of the reasons why i am with july is because she was suppost to be the one to push me,but she hasnt, she is only pushing her self, not me, so what is my incentive? i wonder, but by the end of the night i dont have susumi, and i have july, whom a a gf is good,but not someone that i see my self married to, after all like father carlos said, today are the foundations to ur marriage, and i dont see happiness, after all if july keeps talking , well where is that goign to lead?????

well i dont know if it was this week that it was rough and its causing me to act weird but i feel like there is no point of having a gf, or in other words having july as a gf, i guess there is, but man, there are times in which i wish i was here with her, then other time when she is talking that i wonder if i should be ther for her, today i was thinking about the purpose of being in a relationship like ours, after all we dont see each other often, and with the idea of YOU SHOULD ONLY BE TO LISTEN TO A GIRL, well for july is good, after all she has her own ideas, she wants to grow, but she doesnt mention me, now i know the old tale about what u want is something from what u get, i mean, i dont know, sometimes i wonder how mylife would be without her, just me free here, or with a girlfriend here, how different would life be? at least i would see her, and get my stress out,, right? but at the same time i wonder why i am with july, what is my purpose of being with her, to learn? because if you think about it, is she here to dance? well yes in special times, but was that what u wanted?? i say no! because this is only a couple of times during the year, but i also know that with whats coming, well i dont know if i can afford to have a girlfriend again, remember how we used to say that we couldnt have a gf because we didnt had money? well now we do , but has that brought us happiness?? well ,ahhh i dont know, yes, i guess we do or have bought things, gone places, but other than that, nothing much, i tell u, but why bother, why complain, i am tired, bye

wow, well its the end of the year, and i a few hours short from seeing july, yes she come to see me, well here to phoenix to see her family and me too, and its great , trust me, but i will admit that for some reason i was not full of joy, its weird, i guess part because i feel like i should be one that travels to see her, but i dont know just yet, or something it could be that there still isnt love, i dont know, i dont dare to say that, but i will say that now that susumi accepted me again, i was filled with that joy again, i dont know if u get what i am saying but i felted this spark inside of me, hopefully that spark will help to burn more with july, because i also want to see her, really, i do, some plans did not come out like i was planning but then again do they ever come out as we planned? i say no, so nothing out of the ordenary right??? anywho, i dont know what will happen when july finds out that susumi and me are friends again, but she doesnt or at least shouldnt say anything, after all look at the texts that she sends, or the fact that she still has her ex in her face, which by the way i have not looked up, maybe because i dont see a reason why ,but nevertheless i have my own right to have friends and well i admit that susumi was one of those friends, that i really enjoyed talking too, i hope this year we can really be friends, and leave all the stuff about us being together, because after all i still want to continue being loyal to july, i have been and i will continue to be, but that doesnt mean that i cant have a friendship with susumi, and wheather i admit it or not, she fills me with joy, cant deny that, its the truth, something that she has been ever since that day, but something the truth is not good for you, so but anyways, so yeah, lets see what this year brings us, i hope good things, remember how last year melanie showed up and she promise to stay well this time around its july and i hope we cant continue in our path, after all i think we can make it, i am planning on going on febrary , maybe for her birthday or somewhere near there, and if everything continues to be good here, well then i will be able to afford it, see what i mean, so yeah, i hope this weekend is as good as the one i spend with her over there but if its not its ok, i am not expecting too much, again i am sorry to say that i dont feel much joy, maybe again because i need to learn that there are times when i need to receive although it feels weird, anywho this is my last post for 2011, we will continue to write, after all its our lives, so take care, and see u soon, lets see where this path takes us, do tell, God speed……………………………………………………………………………..

u know i was thinking today about my past , well mostly because i saw my journal and i went back in time to 06, where i met susumi and the whole ordeal with her, and that actually follow, remember, yeah that was then and in a way i sort of compared to what is happening now, i mean look at us, with july with a girl who actually like us for who we are, i was remembering all the times that i had asked for girl like her, but the thing is that i sort of dont believe it, well maybe i do,but its kind of hard to grasp the whole idea, the whole reality, after all, we are separate , although today again, i understood why we are not together, and that is because it seems that i will play or may play a big role in our family for next year, i believe we might loose the house, yes the same house we grew up in, and if that is the case, it seems that mom wants me to buy one,with that in mind, i wont be able to move to new mexico with july, speaking of that i read something that got my attention, it seems that in the past i was happy with the fact that i had just one shot to be happy and after that i was ok with everything yet, this time i am not, i want more, maybe because there wasnt alot of barriers for our love to happen, and that everything points in the right direction, or i dont know, i mean i am living something good, well for the most part that is , i have a gf, its funny, i guess one of the many reasons why i loved so much susumi was because with her i thought it was going to be a real noviasgo, same with melanie, and now with july, i have a chance to actually for something important, and like primo said, its not here yet but everything points to the fact that it might be, and i am ok with that, although sometimes i wonder if i am only doing this because i have to ,not because i want to, in a way i am doubting, but i feel like this and i am only saying it. for this month it seems that i wont do alot of things, but next year, i want to return to dance because i feel like i need to do something again with my life, after all things just got slow again, oh by the way i come to terms that july is not coming for christmas, and that made it clear that i have to move on, in a way, because i need to continue to grow, like i was telling primo, i dont want to end up just being another statistic, where the guy just marries and ends up in a marriage where he cant do alot of things, which is also why i dont want to be with july now because it would become anotehr couple, nothing wrong with that but i feel like we need to do our things first, then be together, after all if we are meantto be together , god speed

well it seems that here i am , like many times in my past, i am stuck, yes, jobless, no money, same with primo, living in the house but having nothing to add,well i guess u could say that now with a girlfriend, july, and well a while back i was remembering that i was on top of the world, i sort of had a job, i was dancing,i was meeting new people, i was talking with susumi and rossy, but what about now, i am stuck, and i do know why, after all it all the started when i quited my job, remember, it was then that the SLOWDOWN started to take shape,and ever since then it has been in the snowbowl effect, just coming down to crush me.Although by theory i should be happy, after all i made the trip to see july, i become 23 and i passed the test to become a citizen and yet i am not ok, and it seems that as time passes i can not hide it, then again that is because i cant hide alot of things, well for most of the time, also because the new kids are coming,so what did i learned from all these, that i am not ready to be with july after all i cant even take care of my own here , even less chance that i will be successful over there, so for now i have come to termns with my self that i am ok here,and that here is where i should be for now, also last night it was bruttal, july just left me devasted after hearing all the great things that she is doing or did back in her town, it puts me to shame that i have done nothing, although all the work that i have done in church could be consider something , i feel like it has not, and that makes me feel like i am nothing next to july, and that i am not worthy to be her boyfriend,although if u ask her , she will say that i am perfectly fine and that i dont need alot of things for her to love me, which from a point of view its true, after all i dont need alot for her, but what about for me? she might be fine with me but i am not, i am not!! this december although it has been good, but i feel like i have slow down too much, and well i dont like it, looking at this from another view, like father jose said, it only matters on the attitude, after all i have everything right, and i know that if i were to have a job then i wouldnt be thinking too much of july like my mom has said before, and i do believe that, but where do i start, that is my problem , that i dont know where to start??? , it is that this moment or poitn that my fear kicks in, when i have to actually do something important, that is when i lose all hope and i lost it all, i though i needed a gf to encourage me,but it sort of feels like july only tells me that it will be fine but it might not be fine,.. god speed