amd_360

God its weird to think that a while back i was mostly in love with susumi and all i could think was her, i mean alot of my time i would be thinking of susumi, u see, she was alot to me, she was the girl that was truely my dream girl or even later as i called her, my truth,after all like i had told her, i couldnt run away from the truth,but it come to a point where there was nothing for me, just words, now on the other hand, with july, after the trip i learned that i do like her, she is pretty, and pretty amazing, all the things she did, not to mention intimacy,but the way she would be next to me, and the way we took pictures and the way i would feel when we were driving while holding her hand, God, for a few seconds or minutes i would say, it hold its own to the moments with susumi, i mean, i was in heaven, i had a girlfriend, we were traveling just like i had always imagen, we couldnt dance but i think that when we do, it will be a truly magnific day, after all its what i always wanted , that is why it sort of hurts now, that i didnt got the chance to actually dance , but i did do other things, like GOT LOST , WENT TO EAT, WENT WITH HER FRIEND, MY COUSIN, WITH HER DAD,DROVE TO EAT, TOO PICTURES ,MADE ME FOOD, alot of things, and i think what made things good was that i could feel her devotion, and that is because all this time , by text it was reasonable for me to doubt but once i was there, all doubts went away and i was happy, the problem now is that went i returned, because i got used those two days that i wanted to repeat and repeat, not only because of the intimacy but rather for the feelings that were felt , the feeling of security, of knowing that u have a good and wonderful girlfriend, that u could be proud to show and to tell people, HERE IS MY FRIEND, ISNT SHE A BEAUTY? , so i only wish i could be with her here, but i cant, damw, i have to wait, and that is what is killing me, its killing me bacause i know its not the time yet,now what is also killing me is that i lost susumi as a friend, so now i sort of miss her and the reason is because everytime i go to her profile i sort of wish i could see something there that is releated to me and its not good, after all i said that i wanted to be 100% for july and i sort of feel like i am not, after all i something think of susumi, i dont know why, but i do, i hope it can go away , because really wish to stay with july, even though i miss susumi, for abit at least ….god spee

my anger comes from the fact that well, my dream could have a end, or at least be postponed after all, everything i had something to do things got in the way,ah!!!! what to do, so here is the story, by november 19 i should go to new mexico, the plans were there a while back, the wind changed directions and now i was or am suppost to go in a plane, but it seems that mom changed her mind and now is sort of asking me to wait until they go, but as i have learned over the years, they have told me to wait for them to do things and things never come, so go figure, so now my dilema is that if i should wait or go for it, if i go for it, then i will be tight on money, i usually not good with money, but i will be with my head underwater, so should i just wait for my parents to take me, like a little kid?? God, see , this is why i dont have a girlfriend yet, i am not ready, ready for nothing,

well i feel that a new era is upon us, why? well first because the fatal 4 is gone, the last was susumi, God that hurt to bad , i mean i was in the middle of two great girls, althought to tell u the truth, susumi is a much better girl, no doubt in my mind but july is gaining ground, after all the video shook me up pretty darn good, i mean to see her smile, although i know that it my mind a part of me doubts everything she has said, but for the most i believe her and because of that now i want to be hers, put my attention to her only,because she is doing all this things and i my attention is all over the place or at least was,now all that stands between me and july is rossy, because our relationship is going down, i mean, we havent talked in a while now and i dont see things becoming better, i mean with rossy i have to beg for her time ,and yet with july she gives me more than enough time, so the logical solution whould be to go with july right, but remember that rossy has been the only girl that i have told her that i love her, something that no girl has achive, quite a feat wouldnt u say??? but if i want to do things good and straight i will have to put my self back into track and only be with her, meaning that she is the only girl that will receive my attention, although susumi is also countering me, by her putting that she loves him too, and God that hurts, it hurts like black flames eating me away, so the solution i come out with was that i will try to stay way from facebook, the source where i talk to rossy, and i see susumi, or atleast what she is doing, so by doing this i will hopefully will be able to concentrate on july only, and do thigns right, so in a way i am risking everything on july, u may say that its risking it all, but she has earn her spot, by showing me loyalty and a want to grow, of course it doesnt always works but most of the time it doesn,and like i had said to primo a long time ago, i am falling for her,now lets see why susumi is my top girl, well because it only took my one for me to be hooked up with her, i mean, quite literly , and that thing was her kiss and that she was the first that made me felt like i had a place in the world and that i wasnt goign to be alone, and well july would have to do the same, make a night memorable enbough for me to really like her and fall her for, if she does that then she has me, no problem and will rise like the others,god speed

well here we are on a friday, and well today issue is why does julywants to offer me her body i mean, if she says she loves me, then why rush and if she has said that we are taking this slow, then why bother with sex, i mean even with rossy it took me a few months just to open the door, and well i guess its sort of my fault, after all i did open the door, but i never thought that it was goign to stay open for that very long, now its like, MAN I WISH I COULD CLOSE THAT THE DOOR, but at the same time , i think that its not bad,well as a guy, because i will something safe for me, although something that i wont love, now let me tell u about love, love is what i would feel for susumi, no doubt about it, i would love every single part of her, ever single thought of her, every single word from her, everything from her, and heck, lets go to the other extreme, karen i would probably also love, maybe not at the level of susumi but close, after all she has almost 100% if not the full 100, u know what i mean, but yeah, susumi has been number one, and will continue to be number one. July has nothing close to her, i mean, july is sending me all these pictures, i am flatter, trust me that someone would think of me like that ,but i dont feel my heart burning with the fire of love, i would never ask susumi or for that matter karen for an intimate picture, never in my life, well without being their husband but before that even as boyfriend, i wouldnt do it, in the case of susumi i love her enough that i enjoy her talk, her company, and her way of life that intimacy would be the last thing on my mind while thinking of her, u mean what i mean, its something that i simply wouldnt do, and even if they could send me something, i would erase it, i wouldnt my image, and eyes be stained by her image, no way, my love for her is way too much, with too much respect to ask them for something like that, july on the other hand well i could , after all she is young and doesnt really understand what love is or what trusly is about, maybe she knows a definition ,but i think, the true love and i got to thank malenie for this, it could only be acquire after a long period of time, i truly believe that in my heart, and with susumi i know that i could have reach that stage in life

well it was tuesday and it was my free day, so in the morning me and jessica were suppost to go to breakfast but the lady didnt wanted to wait for me , so we didnt went, so instead i took a shower, ate with mom, then went to see drive, it was a good movie, then i went to buy some cards, i did, come back ,went to the bank , deposit the money, come back, stayed here for while, then went for the sisters, and that is when jessica asked at when was the money, i told her that at 5 and 7 but that at 5 i couldnt make it, which she couldnt either at 7 so that makes us two right, so i stayed home, and prepared my decks, it was fun, sort of, but i started to felted down, abit guilty, because the more and more days pass, the more i feel that my words to july are becoming true and in a way its good i guess but in another its not because i am suppost to be the old one that one that wont get IN LOVE or his eyes BLINDED, but it feels like i am, and onces that happens, well then we will go back to the same old, U FEEL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS NOT HERE routine and same story again, the issue is that i am still talking with jessica, although i dont know where that will lead to tell u the truth, and adriana , things are moving slow, but as i was thinking today , after the movie, is that i am ok alone, i mean now that the doords for dancing opened, i have another era to live right, alone , enjoy the dancing, u know, so why do i want to tie my self to someone, as u have seen it requieres alot of time and money, something quiet frankly we dont have, so i guess we are ok as we are, in the mean time we are getting our needs serve by susumi, she makes u smile alot,and u know that everytime we talk to her, that door opens and floods the main room, so i mean its good sort of, but we are only fooling our selfs, into thinking that there may be something there, but i guess i am just reliving all the pressure that was builded in there for the past 4,5 years, ever since we met, speaking of met, i do truely think that susumi and i could have made a good couple, i believe it with all my heart and mind and even , heck soul, something that i have not had with any other girl, maybe except karen, but it wasnt all the way, so in the mean time, i should build up my self, become better as july is doing so, that way i can reach even higher levels, and i guess now i am getting used to july because i am starting to believe that i actually like her,